Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
