I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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