he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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