He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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