i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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