so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
