I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
