im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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