i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
