I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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