I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
