I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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