12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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