He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
