i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
