we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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