Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
