Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
