Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
