I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
