Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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