You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
