My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
