I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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