there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
