And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
