So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
