her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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