I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
