I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
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i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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