she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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