We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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