i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize
