you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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