before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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