Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
