When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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