Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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