i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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