I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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