I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
