u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...