I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.