you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
