Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
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stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!