Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
