a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
