Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
