remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"