very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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