you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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