sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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