I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Two words: nipple clamps
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