maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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