I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My dad just said "fuck circus"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
