No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
