It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
